Puns and Humor

PUNS

What do you call college students studying ancient Egyptian leaders and plumbing?
Pharoah Faucet Majors!

What do you call an irishman that stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture!

There once was a beautiful horse that had a beautiful mane. However, one day some birds built a nest in the mane. This bothered the horse because they kept him awake at night with their constant chatter. After consulting several friends about the problem he decided to go to the owl for advice. He suggested that he put yeast in his mane. That night the horse put yeast in his mane, the birds left, and he got a pleasant night’s sleep. The next day the horse went to the owl to thank him and to find out why the yeast caused the birds to leave his mane. “It’s quite simple” said the owl “Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet”

 

Life magazine once hired a new writer by the name of Jonathan Ri. He was liked by all of his fellow workers for 2 reasons. 1) He had a very pleasant attitude. 2) He was a very good worker. Things went well until one day he did not show up for work. This was very unusual and caused his fellow employees to begin an intense search, but he was nowhere to be found. This lasted for several weeks and most people gave up hope of finding him. Then one day, his editor walked into a restaurant and saw Jonathan sitting in a corner booth. Elated, he ran up to his friend and exclaimed, “Ah, sweet Mr. Ri of Life at last I’ve found you.”

After many years of effort, a country finally managed to land a spacecraft on Mars. Upon exiting the craft, the travelers were surprised to find a race of furry creatures on the planet. Asking to see the leader of the group, they were escorted to a cave to find a large one of the creatures with a hypodermic needle sticking out of his head. Inquiring if he indeed was the leader he replied “Yes, I am the furry with the syringe on top.”

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
If it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan

There once was a kingdom of potatoes. One day the king potato decided it was time for the princess potato to get married. Suitors came from throughout the land. After many months the king asked his daughter if she had chosen who she wanted to be her husband. The princess said that she wanted to marry Howard Cosell but the king vehemently refused. When the princess asked why the king stated, “It is not proper for a royal tater to marry a commentator!”

JOKES

A lady has a dinner party that is enjoyed by one and all.  However, at the end of the main course there is one pork chop left over.  Everyone wanted the pork chop but politely declined when the power suddenly went out.  Seconds later there was a blood curdling scream.  When the lights came back on, there was one hand on the pork chop and five forks in the hand.

 Two men are walking through the woods when they encounter a bear. The first man takes out a pair of running shoes and starts to put them on.
“Hey”, says the other fellow, “you can’t outrun a bear.”
The first man replies, “I don’t have to outrun him. I just have to outrun you.!!”

Question: What caused the dark ages? Answer: Y1K!!!!

A man learning how to skydive jumps out of the plane for his first attempt. Unfortunately, his chute does not open. As he is falling through space, he meets a man traveling up toward the heavens. In desperation he yells out a question to the man.
“Do you know anything about parachutes?”
“No”, Replied the man, “Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

Two men took jobs as carpenters, both having very little experience. The foreman gave them the task of nailing the siding onto a house. When they started, one of the men would look at each nail and throw about half of them away.
“Why are you throwing those away?”, asked the other fellow.
“The heads are on the wrong end.”, replied the man.
“Well don’t throw them away. Those are for the other side of the house!!”

Ed: “What are you doing?”
Fred(who is slowly measuring a telephone pole with a ruler): “I’m trying to see how tall this pole is.”
Ed: “Why don’t you take it down and lie it on it’s side to measure it?”
Fred: “I want to know how tall it is, not how long it is!!.”

Nurse: “Doctor. There’s a man outside who says he is shrinking.”

Doctor: “Well, tell him to stay outside and be a little patient!”

Nurse: “Doctor. There’s a man outside who says he is invisible.”

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now!”

A woman decides to start a painting business and puts an ad in the paper. She gets a call from someone wanting to get an estimate. She arrives at the house and a lady wants to know how much it would cost to get the porch painted. The painter gives a quote of $50. The lady gladly accepts the offer and finds out the painter can start immediately. About that time the lady’s husband arrives. She excitedly tells him she is getting the porch painted for only $50. The amazed husband asks if the painter realized that it was a wraparound porch. About that time the painter comes in and says she is done. The lady can’t believe that she hot done and asks if she realized it was a wraparound porch. The painter replies
“FIRST OF ALL IT’S NOT A PORCH, IT’S A FERRARI!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

A woman was asked to identify the man in the courtroom that had stolen her purse. She pointed at the defendant and said,
“That’s him. I’d recognize him anywhere”
The angry defendant stood up and replied.
” You couldn’t have seen me lady. I was wearing a mask!”

A man pulled into a gas station and filled up his tank. Upon removing the nozzle from the car, a small amount of gas on the ground. The man’s dog jumped out of the car, licked up the fuel and starting running as fast as he could around the station. After about five minutes, the dog collapsed. The owner of the station was worried and asked the man if he wanted to call a veterinarian. The owner replied to not worry, the dog has run out of gas!!!

Four college students decide to cut class and spend the day at the beach. When they later find out that they missed a test they decide to tell the professor that their car had a flat tire and ask him if they can take a make-up exam. They professor says this is OK with him and sets the time for the make-up test. When the time for the test arrives the professor has the four students to each set in a different corner of the classroom. He then give them an exam which contains only one question. WHICH TIRE WAS FLAT??!!!

A man is walking down the street when he comes upon a man with a huge smile on his face. He is jumping up and down on a manhole cover and repeating a number over and over.
“39,39,39,39……”
“Why are you smiling?” asks the first man.
“Because this is fun. 39, 39, 39…..,”
“Can I try?”
“Sure. 39, 39, 39…..”
At this point the man stops jumping and steps aside. The second man gets on the manhole cover and starts to jump. At the height of his leap the other fellow pulls the manhole cover aside so he falls into the hole. The man replaces the cover and says to himself as he starts jumping up and down,
“40, 40, 40…..”

A driving instructor takes a new student out for the first time. When they approach a stop sign the student goes through it without even slowing down. When the instructor asks him why, the student answers that is the way his brother drives. Next they approach a light is red and again the student doesn’t even slow down. The instructor tries to correct but again comes the response that is way his brother drives. Then they approach a green light and the student slams on his brakes.
“Why did you do that?, Exclaimed the instructor.
“My brother might be coming”, replied the student.

This is the text of my favorite Wizard of Id Comic Strip
Sir Rodney(To the Troops preparing for battle):”Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”
King(Upon seeing the troops returning in Defeat):”What happened?”
Sir Rodney:”Worse case of conjunctivitis I’ve ever seen.”

Two farmers met a at an equipment convention and began to talk. One of the men owned a very large ranch and wanted to impress the other fellow. “How large is your farm?” asked the rancher. “Oh, about 50 acres. How about your’s?” The man stood proudly and said, “When I wake up at the crack of dawn, I could get in my truck and drive until sunset and still be on my ranch.”
“Yep”, replied the man. “I had a truck like that once.”

This is the text of my favorite Dilbert Comic Strip
Wally:”I used to be a sheep rancher”
Dilbert:”How many sheep did you have?”
Wally:”I don’t know. Every time I tried to count them, I fell asleep.”

A student in a biology lab was given a project and told to record all of his data in a notebook. The first thing was to take a frog and say “Jump frog, jump” The frog jumped 4 feet. He wrote in the notebook that a frog with 4 legs jumps 4 feet. He then cut a leg off of the frog and told it to jump. It jumped 3 feet. The lab entry was that a frog with 3 legs jumps 3 feet. He then repeated the procedure twice more and recorded that a frog with 2 legs jumps 2 feet and a frog with one leg jumps 1 foot. He then cut the last leg off of the frog and told it to jump. The frog remained motionless after several minutes of pleading from the student. At this point he recorded the final entry in the notebook – a frog with no legs can’t hear!

A man went to a yard sale and found an axe he was interested in and asked the salesman about it. The salesman informed him that this axe was an important part of history.
“What do you mean”, asked the man.
“This is the axe that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.” replied the salesman.
“Really. It looks awfully new.”
“Well,” answered the salesman, “It has had four new heads and three new handles, but it is the same axe!!”

Two friends went to a business to apply for a job. The first one was asked to step into an interview room and answer a few questions. The manager asked him what would happen if he took a pencil a stuck it in his eye. The man replied he would be half blind. The manager then asked what would happen if he stuck the pencil in his other eye. The man said he would be all blind. This concluded the interview and be man was hired. Knowing that his friend was not too intelligent, he told his friend that the answers were half blind and all blind as they passed each other in the hall. The manager asked the 2nd man what would happen if he took a knife and cut off one of his ears. The man said that he would be half blind. Slightly confused, he asked what would happen if he cut off his other ear. The reply was that he would be all blind. Totally bewildered, the manager asked him to explain why cutting off his ears would make the man blind. The man said it was simple. His hat would fall down over his eyes!!!

You can use the following joke to harass the alumni of your rival school, whoever they might be.
How do you get a (FILL IN THE BLANK) grad off of your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

There was a freak accident on Route 12 today. Five freaks in a van hit two freaks in a sports car! 

Three men decided to go on a hunting trip to hunt bear. Since none of them had been hunting bear before, they decided to hire a guide. The men rented a cabin and planned to start early in the morning. When the three men awoke the guide was gone. They figured he must have went out scouting, so they started to make breakfast. One of the men glanced out of the window a saw a man running toward the cabin. He called the other two men over to witness the sight. As the man got closer, the recognized that it was the guide! They soon realized that the reason he was running was because a bear was chasing him. As he got closer they could hear him yelling to open the door, which the men did. Just as the man got to the door he stepped aside and let the bear run into the cabin. He then yelled in the window, “By the time you get that one skinned, I’ll be back with another!”

A preacher was having trouble getting men to lead in prayer during worship service. He approached one man and asked him why he did not help with this task. The man replied that he got nervous and couldn’t think of anything to say. The preacher replied that he could write it down before the service. The man then said he did not want people to know he was reading the prayer off of a piece of paper. The preacher told him to put it inside of his hat and when he bowed he could look down inside his hat and read the prayer. The man agreed to try this. The next Sunday the time came, he was called upon to pray, bowed, and began his prayer. “Dear Lord, I brought the wrong hat!”

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TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION!

The stories below have been relayed to me as factual. Please let me know if this is not correct.

A few years ago a man walked into a convenience store to commit the 27th armed robbery of the year in a certain city. However, the man was disappointed to find no money in the register. The situation worsened for the man when a police cruiser pulled up. It was answering a silent alarm from the store. This was in response to the 26th armed robbery of the year, which had taken place at the same store 15 minutes earlier!!

A man bought a box of very expensive cigars and had them insured. One of the things covered by the policy was fire. Therefore, upon smoking the cigars, the man filed a claim with the company. The company refused to pay and was sued by the cigar owner. The judge ruled with the man and ordered the company to pay. When the man accepted the claim check, the insurance company had the man arrested for arson!!!

The United States developed a gun that would fire a dead chicken at a plane windshield to test it for strength. A foreign government wanted to borrow it to test out a new high speed train windshield Upon using the gun, the bird went through the windshield, the pilot seat, and lodged in the back wall. Alarmed, the officials sent the United States a letter saying what they had done and inquiring why the test failed. The reply came back – Next time use a thawed chicken!

A group of state troopers had a contest to determine the best excuse given them for speeding. The winning entry concerned a woman who came to her husband’s defense when the patrolman approached the car. She informed the officer that she didn’t allow her husband to drive fast when he had been drinking!!

A businessman went to a public restroom in a hotel. After using the restroom, he discovered the stall was out of toilet paper. What was he to do? Thinking quickly, he realized he had a cell phone with him. He simply called the front desk, and they had some toilet paper taken to the restroom!

A woman was recently arrested for felony shoplifting because the value of the goods was over $100. The defense is arguing that the charge should be reduced to a misdemeanor because part of the goods were on sale and if the sale price was used to calculate the value the total would be less than $100. The prosecutor is saying that the sale price was good only if the customer showed a discount coupon! the results of this trial are yet to be heard.

Listed below are some interesting stories someone sent to me by e-mail

No wonder the world is the way it is

And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy

Some Days, It Just Doesn’t Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps… Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system

And for the Main Course… A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their “next vacation on Mars, amid the splendor of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.”Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars

Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened…”

Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!

Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody

Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, a man was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he uses for a knife? 

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